It Wasn’t Supposed To Be Like This: Mothering Through Loss
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
An acknowledgement of the infinite sadness of mothering through loss.
“It doesn’t really get better.” The first few tears Chelsea wiped away. The following ones she let slide down her cheek in a slow dance to her chin. It’s been over 3 years, and she sits surrounded by her mother’s spirit. It’s everywhere you look, from the custom yellow rocking chairs on the front porch to the very flowers growing in the yard. The garden whispers her memory on good days, and screams it on the bad ones. Each moment of joy is immediately flanked with the kind of sorrow that makes it hard to breathe. Every moment of joy is shared with an overwhelming sadness, and the heaviness of it can feel like dragging a corpse around with you.
“I have no guide book…no map.” Cheslea says of parenting her own children. Grief is isolating. Motherhood is isolating. It’s so easy to feel alone. She wonders aloud if her own parenting has been affected by the absence of her mother. Could she be better at being a mom if her own mom was still around to help? Does the insufferable sadness of loss and grief make her less present with her own kids? How will this impact her children, and will they be ok? Then “good days” happen. The kind of days when you suddenly realize you aren’t sad. And then you feel guilty for not being sad. “The longer time goes, the harder it is to see her face, and that is infinitely sad.” So, feeling better isn’t through that door. The relief is not in the no longer remembering to be sad. And sometimes, the grief keeps her close.
The void between how it was supposed to be and how it has turned out to be can alter timelines. In grieving what was supposed to be, you are also grieving the loss of who you were expecting to be. The loss of an integral member of the network of women supporting each other through the generations is profound and seismic in nature. The ground shifts. Nothing is the same.
2021 Census data shows that 23.4% of 30- to 39-year-olds have lost at least one parent. Many women are navigating the rollercoaster of motherhood without the support of their own mothers. Grief comes in so many different forms for mothers; parenting with absent or estranged parents of your own, the immeasurable and profound loss in the death of a child, the loss of a pregnancy, or difficulty conceiving.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family finds that “Approximately 6.3% of respondents reported an estranged relationship with their mother at least once over the study period, compared to about 26.0% who reported estrangement from fathers.” Not having a parent present to offer any guidance while piecing together what you think motherhood is supposed to look like can be a daunting experience. Not engaging with your own parent as an adult and potentially exposing your own children to less than pleasant experiences is a powerful and necessary decision. That still sometimes can feel like increased isolation.
According to the Institute of Medicine, the death of a child is one of the greatest and most enduring stresses a person can experience. What was going to be is just gone. The future is lost and confusing. Trying to even imagine a different future is beyond the scope of fathomable. A National Institute of Health article shares that “Mourning is often defined as either the individual's internal process of adaptation to the loss of a loved one or as the socially prescribed modes of responding to loss, including its external expression in behaviors such as rituals and memorials. Taken together, the grief and mourning processes are understood to be a normal and universal part of the natural healing process that enables individuals, families, and communities to live with the reality of loss while going on with living.”
You are not alone in your grief. There are other moms who travel each day to the alternate timeline in their mind. The space that holds how it was supposed to be. Find your people. Chelsea takes a deep breath of summer afternoon air and says that finding other moms like her has made all the difference. “My friend reached out to me about a group of women she’s getting together.” All the women have lost their moms and they are able to get together regularly to process their experiences. It has been incredible to find the support, to be real and honest, to ugly cry, and then laugh into the darkness when you can’t cry anymore. To find a network of women who understand the weight of your grief has made an incredible difference.
There is no roadmap. But there are other women piecing together motherhood through the cloud of sorrow. Everything feels terrible, but you are not alone in your experience. Find each other. Hold each other. Reach out to friends and family. Find a support group or consider choosing a therapist. Your journey as a mom while also carrying the additional load of grief is not an easy undertaking. Support and community matter.
The mental health needs of moms are often underserved. At Mamaya Health, motherhood is what we do. We believe that moms matter too. We have a team of therapists who are specially trained in the area of maternal mental health. Insurance is accepted and virtual appointments are available. If you need an extra layer of support in your mom toolbox, we may be able to help. See our website at www.mamayahealth.com for resources, to meet our therapists and learn about how to start meeting with a therapist. Your grief is real. Your journey is unique and valid.
At Mamaya Health, we believe that maternal mental health is not a luxury, but a fundamental human right.